the plunge.
i know i can do it.
i’m determined not to screw up.
it’s time to straighten up and fly right.
day 20; the one that broke my heart the hardest
My ex, he didn’t trust me and he didn’t try to. It made me cry for endless nights and was the main reason we broke up.
I know it hurt so much at the time, but I don’t feel it anymore.
day 19; someone that pesters my mind, good or bad
Hmmm to be honest there are a lot of people that pester my mind.
One person in particular is a girl I’m quite fond of and she seems to be quite fond of me too… But moreso than I am.
I worry about her a lot, because i really do care about her… and I wish I felt more for her so I could be with her and help make her happy. She deserves to be happy.
I’m sorry I can’t fall in love with you… I really want to.
scary.
I’ve been looking for a relationship for a whole now, but to tell you the truth i’m a bit scared…
I’m scared of showing myself. Of making myself vulnerable.
I’m scared of getting myself hurt…
I want to say I miss you but I can’t bring myself to say it because I’m scared. I’m holding back… Mentally and physically because I am so afraid.
I’m scared that, I think about you enough to rid HIM from my mind. He’s gone, and you’re here…
Feeling something is scary.
the gift of expression.
It’s not often I can’t fall asleep pretty much straight away. I’m well known for being able to sleep anywhere, in any situation.
I can sleep standing up, sitting down, in an exam, on a train, whilst driving, sitting upright on a small rocky boat, in a nightclub, on the floor, whilst having sex, on the phone, in the bath and the shower, having just drank a cup of coffee, on pills, during a conversation, in a cinema, during lectures… You name it, I can sleep there.
Anyway, moving on, here I am unable to sleep. I don’t think i’ve ever thought so much as i’ve thought today. Today was like a journey. it was incredible. I learnt so much. I learnt that people can be decent, I learnt I think a lot, and I learnt how differently people see the world.
And I learnt that we are made to love. Today I posted so many positive things on people’s facebooks, and got so many in return… Seeing the love spreading on my news feed made my heart speed up and lifted my mood sky high. This is what I live for. Today I am reminded why I am here, to spread love.
I was so touched and inspired by the number of people who began blogs over the past couple of days. I have a deep passion for writing and self expression, and seeing people who I hardly know anything about, so willingly writing about themselves and their thoughts for the world to see, it made me feel so much love for them and made me want to share more of myself. Sharing our stories and our love, we might be able to change the world. No matter what our style of expression is like, humorous, poetic, visual, musical or simple and straightforward, we still manage to communicate. That is the beauty of blogging.
I’m excited, because I’m gaining hope in the human race. Today I’ve seen so much love and thought and care going into every word and action… It was beautiful. We are beautiful beings, who have been given the gift of expression.
Today I tilted my head towards the sun.
day 7; my ex-boyfriend
Me and my ex were together for 3 years. We were so in love. He adored me, and I adored him, more than anything in the world.
After a while he got sick of me. He got sick of my body image issues, sick of tasting ketones in my mouth when I hadn’t eaten for ages, sick of finding new cuts on my body and looking at the old ones.
I got sick of him expecting me to be someone else, and we ended up breaking up. It was painful, but I guess I’m better off now. We weren’t good for each other.
lifechanging.
I’ve had a few things to ponder lately.
One thing that’s been weighing on my mind is uni… I’m deffering next semester and maybe the semester after… but that’s not the problem. I’m not sure if i really want to do psychology anymore.
I’ve started to lose faith in the profession. I don’t really see what they do. They don’t fix anything really… they’re just there for people to talk to and bounce ideas off… Psychologists don’t have answers, they only help find out what is wrong with you, and then you go and get medication. What’s the point..? Idk… Just seems like a big false thing.. I could be a psychologist already without the 6 years study.
Another thing is change. I got a formspring comment today about having not changed…
But the thing is I was never told what I should change, I’ve changed a lot, but maybe not in the way people want me to. I think I’m fine now the way I am. I’m making sensible decisions and stuff, I havent had meaningless (or any) sex in a month and I don’t plan to until I find someone decent. That’s what I wanted to change.
What did YOU want me to change?
My ex wanted to change my very soul. My depression, my spontanuity, my personality…
I drink occasionally. Not gonna change.
I smoke occasionally. Not gonna change.
I try new things. Not gonna change.
Another thing is love.
I know I’ve said it, but I would love a boyfriend… or even a girlfriend… I think I’m just used to the idea of getting a boyfriend because I’ve never been with a girl before. Either way, I want someone to give my love to.
I wana get back into music. Maybe learn guitar a bit more. I wrote a song the other day, for the first time in years. Idk if it was good, I don’t care. I enjoyed it. And I dont enjoy too many things.
I’m determined to lose weight. I’m sick of being a fat fuck. Gaining weight by the minute. I seriously eat more than anybody does in a whole day…bingeing again… I sat in the shower today, sick of my throat hurting and sick of the foul taste of stomach acid. So enough’s enough, I’m gonna start going to the gym, walking places and eating less/healthy again.
I miss being the tiny, cute one. My friend used to call me “dainty”. I’m hardly dainty anymore. I will get it back.
That is all for tonight.
Bye.
lonely.
I’m really down lately.
And I’ve realized it’s partly to do with the fact I’ve been alone for so long.
I don’t really have any bestfriends, that I can just go and lie down with whenever I want.
Back when I had a boyfriend I could just go to him any time.
Now, I have no one, and I’m aching for it.
Seeing couples makes me so depressed.
The other night at my friend’s gig, there were two girls that were hugging and dancing together and they just looked so content.
My other two friends always stare at each other like they don’t care about anything else.
And my other two friends are the most beautiful couple ever, as if they’re one person…
I had someone, someone who was perfect.
Someone who could’ve given me all this,
but I fucked it up, and I don’t think it’s ever going to happen.
So I guess I’m searching again,
In hope I’ll find someone who can complete me.
sick.
I’m actually sick of living.
I know my lifes not bad in comparison to others or whatever bullshit you’ve got to feed me.
But this is me, in all my selfish glory. Go fuck yourself.
I’m like ten kilos heavier than I was two years ago,
I’ve lost heaps of friends,
Including those who just simply can’t be bothered with me,
Lost all respect for myself and so has everyone else,
I’m hopeless at uni, I’m a lazy fuck with no direction and no desire to change it,
I see no positivity in the world…
And most of all, I fucked up the one thing that could have changed all this.
And after all this, I’m still trying to get it back.
As if I even fucking deserve it.
I’m sick of making the effort to getting out of bed every day,
I’m sick of going to work and dealing with people,
I’m sick of smiling,
I’m sick of looking at myself in the mirror,
I’m sick of crying,
I’m sick of waking up after a dream and realizing it didn’t happen,
I’m sick of wishing you’d forget it all and come back.
I can’t even listen to music anymore…
I’m sick of being so pathetic. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. I’ve tried to change that, I wanted to keep my head held high, but I don’t have the strength in me anymore. Never had it in the first piece…
Waste of a human being.
optimism.
Wow. Tonight was amazing.
Kisschasy were awesome. So much life in their music… They awakened me.
I feel really positive, for the first time in forever. I’m grateful to be alive, for the first time in a while. I feel, something other than pain and hatred…
Tonight made me ache for what I could’ve had… But also made me grateful for what I have now… And made me realise what I really want.
I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.
Goodnight <3
broken.
If you don’t care now, you never did in the first place.
~ ~ ~
I am really fucking angry. I’m upset, and I’m angry. At me, at you, at the world. At life. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be alive. Fuck people, fuck right and wrong, fuck everything. I was never a shit person until you told me I was. YOU broke ME. You fucking broke me, all of you. And me. I broke me. I am fucking broken. I’m sick of living. I’m fucking sick of it. And I’m fucking mad that there’s people keeping me here. I’m fucking SO ANGRY that I won’t be able to vent this frustration without people giving me telling me that life is good/telling me to get over myself. FUCK OFF. I don’t care about your opinion and you shouldn’t care about mine.
As much as I want to be fucking loved its always the ones I want to love me that don’t. Fuck loving people. Fuck giving a part of myself to anyone. Fuck getting it crushed. Fuck dying slowly and painfully.
Fuck memories. Fuck the people in them. Fuck feeling like life is good. ITS FUCKING NOT. It fucking sucks, the world sucks, we are here for no fucking reason. We’re born, we learn, we work, we die. And once you’re dead nothing will remain. Not even your love. The world will still be fucking violent, people will still be killing animals for fun, people will still be assholes, people will still have sex for money, people will still die of AIDS. Nothing you, or me, or anyone else does will ever make a fucking difference to the world. We live in a fucking shit place. And anyone who will ever live will live in a shit place. Advanced life forms are fucking shit. We should have never existed.
No one will ever truly be happy. Someone somewhere is usually screwing up shit. And that someone in your life is me. I screw up shit for you, I screw up shit for me. I’m shit, and so are you. We’re all fucking shit. And we can’t do a fucking thing about it. We’re made this way. We’re programmed to be fucking selfish and angry and hypocritical and SHIT. Fuck you, you’re shit. You fucking suck. I hurt you, and you hurt me, everybody hurts each other. Lets just go on hurting. Bad things always happen to good people. ALWAYS. and bad things always happen to bad people. Nothing good ever happens. There’s nothing good left.
The thing is, I never realised this until I became shit. I was never really shit until you told me I was. YOU broke me. I broke me. We all broke me.
distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
is this thing on?
You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart.
So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
-Bob Marley
