day 18; the person i wish i could be
To be honest, i started writing this with a whole bunch of crap about some skinny chick who’s perfect in every way. But fuck that, how could i wish to be so boring?
So you know what? I am already the person I want to be.
There’s a few things I’d change like my tendency to fall for people easily, my depression, my body and my apathy towards hard work, but all those things make me who I am anyway.
So yeah. Fuck whoever has a problem with it, I’m me and I love it.
the gift of expression.
It’s not often I can’t fall asleep pretty much straight away. I’m well known for being able to sleep anywhere, in any situation.
I can sleep standing up, sitting down, in an exam, on a train, whilst driving, sitting upright on a small rocky boat, in a nightclub, on the floor, whilst having sex, on the phone, in the bath and the shower, having just drank a cup of coffee, on pills, during a conversation, in a cinema, during lectures… You name it, I can sleep there.
Anyway, moving on, here I am unable to sleep. I don’t think i’ve ever thought so much as i’ve thought today. Today was like a journey. it was incredible. I learnt so much. I learnt that people can be decent, I learnt I think a lot, and I learnt how differently people see the world.
And I learnt that we are made to love. Today I posted so many positive things on people’s facebooks, and got so many in return… Seeing the love spreading on my news feed made my heart speed up and lifted my mood sky high. This is what I live for. Today I am reminded why I am here, to spread love.
I was so touched and inspired by the number of people who began blogs over the past couple of days. I have a deep passion for writing and self expression, and seeing people who I hardly know anything about, so willingly writing about themselves and their thoughts for the world to see, it made me feel so much love for them and made me want to share more of myself. Sharing our stories and our love, we might be able to change the world. No matter what our style of expression is like, humorous, poetic, visual, musical or simple and straightforward, we still manage to communicate. That is the beauty of blogging.
I’m excited, because I’m gaining hope in the human race. Today I’ve seen so much love and thought and care going into every word and action… It was beautiful. We are beautiful beings, who have been given the gift of expression.
Today I tilted my head towards the sun.
tilt your head towards the sun.
Oh Reach, it’s good to be back.
Tonight I learnt a lot. Storytelling can teach you things about yourself, and your life that you never thought about. Just listening to other people speak can change your perspective on things and even take part in changing your life.
I got thinking about my direction in life. How I’m going to end up. I know for sure that I want to help people. That’s a definite. I want to be positive, I want to inspire people with my own story….
I was going to start writing ages ago, about my life. I started in this blog post, but that’s all I wrote. I think I’m going to begin writing again.
But wow. This guest speaker, a woman of about 60, came in and told us her story of drugs, alcohol, sex, addiction and violence. She was such a vibrant, alive woman who seemed to have so much hope and positivity… Got me thinking, why aren’t I like that? Why, when I give words of wisdom, are they not ’tilt your head towards the sun’, simply because it brings me happiness?
She got me thinking about the people in my life too. A while ago I had this thing about people with light auras and people with dark auras… And I think I’m surrounding myself with dark people again. Hm…
Idk. These are my random thoughts for tonight.
Tomorrow, I’m going to write, and I’m going to tilt my head towards the sun.
lifechanging.
I’ve had a few things to ponder lately.
One thing that’s been weighing on my mind is uni… I’m deffering next semester and maybe the semester after… but that’s not the problem. I’m not sure if i really want to do psychology anymore.
I’ve started to lose faith in the profession. I don’t really see what they do. They don’t fix anything really… they’re just there for people to talk to and bounce ideas off… Psychologists don’t have answers, they only help find out what is wrong with you, and then you go and get medication. What’s the point..? Idk… Just seems like a big false thing.. I could be a psychologist already without the 6 years study.
Another thing is change. I got a formspring comment today about having not changed…
But the thing is I was never told what I should change, I’ve changed a lot, but maybe not in the way people want me to. I think I’m fine now the way I am. I’m making sensible decisions and stuff, I havent had meaningless (or any) sex in a month and I don’t plan to until I find someone decent. That’s what I wanted to change.
What did YOU want me to change?
My ex wanted to change my very soul. My depression, my spontanuity, my personality…
I drink occasionally. Not gonna change.
I smoke occasionally. Not gonna change.
I try new things. Not gonna change.
Another thing is love.
I know I’ve said it, but I would love a boyfriend… or even a girlfriend… I think I’m just used to the idea of getting a boyfriend because I’ve never been with a girl before. Either way, I want someone to give my love to.
I wana get back into music. Maybe learn guitar a bit more. I wrote a song the other day, for the first time in years. Idk if it was good, I don’t care. I enjoyed it. And I dont enjoy too many things.
I’m determined to lose weight. I’m sick of being a fat fuck. Gaining weight by the minute. I seriously eat more than anybody does in a whole day…bingeing again… I sat in the shower today, sick of my throat hurting and sick of the foul taste of stomach acid. So enough’s enough, I’m gonna start going to the gym, walking places and eating less/healthy again.
I miss being the tiny, cute one. My friend used to call me “dainty”. I’m hardly dainty anymore. I will get it back.
That is all for tonight.
Bye.
optimism.
Wow. Tonight was amazing.
Kisschasy were awesome. So much life in their music… They awakened me.
I feel really positive, for the first time in forever. I’m grateful to be alive, for the first time in a while. I feel, something other than pain and hatred…
Tonight made me ache for what I could’ve had… But also made me grateful for what I have now… And made me realise what I really want.
I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.
Goodnight <3
