day 11; a deceased person i wish i could talk to
My grandma from Egypt. Maybe she’d understand English now that she’s passed on.
I only met her twice in my life and hardly had a conversation with her because of language barriers. She died during year 12 exams and I didn’t even get to go to her funeral.
I miss you Teta Suzanna.
sick.
I’m actually sick of living.
I know my lifes not bad in comparison to others or whatever bullshit you’ve got to feed me.
But this is me, in all my selfish glory. Go fuck yourself.
I’m like ten kilos heavier than I was two years ago,
I’ve lost heaps of friends,
Including those who just simply can’t be bothered with me,
Lost all respect for myself and so has everyone else,
I’m hopeless at uni, I’m a lazy fuck with no direction and no desire to change it,
I see no positivity in the world…
And most of all, I fucked up the one thing that could have changed all this.
And after all this, I’m still trying to get it back.
As if I even fucking deserve it.
I’m sick of making the effort to getting out of bed every day,
I’m sick of going to work and dealing with people,
I’m sick of smiling,
I’m sick of looking at myself in the mirror,
I’m sick of crying,
I’m sick of waking up after a dream and realizing it didn’t happen,
I’m sick of wishing you’d forget it all and come back.
I can’t even listen to music anymore…
I’m sick of being so pathetic. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. I’ve tried to change that, I wanted to keep my head held high, but I don’t have the strength in me anymore. Never had it in the first piece…
Waste of a human being.
broken.
If you don’t care now, you never did in the first place.
~ ~ ~
I am really fucking angry. I’m upset, and I’m angry. At me, at you, at the world. At life. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be alive. Fuck people, fuck right and wrong, fuck everything. I was never a shit person until you told me I was. YOU broke ME. You fucking broke me, all of you. And me. I broke me. I am fucking broken. I’m sick of living. I’m fucking sick of it. And I’m fucking mad that there’s people keeping me here. I’m fucking SO ANGRY that I won’t be able to vent this frustration without people giving me telling me that life is good/telling me to get over myself. FUCK OFF. I don’t care about your opinion and you shouldn’t care about mine.
As much as I want to be fucking loved its always the ones I want to love me that don’t. Fuck loving people. Fuck giving a part of myself to anyone. Fuck getting it crushed. Fuck dying slowly and painfully.
Fuck memories. Fuck the people in them. Fuck feeling like life is good. ITS FUCKING NOT. It fucking sucks, the world sucks, we are here for no fucking reason. We’re born, we learn, we work, we die. And once you’re dead nothing will remain. Not even your love. The world will still be fucking violent, people will still be killing animals for fun, people will still be assholes, people will still have sex for money, people will still die of AIDS. Nothing you, or me, or anyone else does will ever make a fucking difference to the world. We live in a fucking shit place. And anyone who will ever live will live in a shit place. Advanced life forms are fucking shit. We should have never existed.
No one will ever truly be happy. Someone somewhere is usually screwing up shit. And that someone in your life is me. I screw up shit for you, I screw up shit for me. I’m shit, and so are you. We’re all fucking shit. And we can’t do a fucking thing about it. We’re made this way. We’re programmed to be fucking selfish and angry and hypocritical and SHIT. Fuck you, you’re shit. You fucking suck. I hurt you, and you hurt me, everybody hurts each other. Lets just go on hurting. Bad things always happen to good people. ALWAYS. and bad things always happen to bad people. Nothing good ever happens. There’s nothing good left.
The thing is, I never realised this until I became shit. I was never really shit until you told me I was. YOU broke me. I broke me. We all broke me.
