Flashback – 2008
Mum and dad had just left.
They had been dawdling for about 20 minutes getting ready while I was sitting on the couch, anxious and distracted, itching to get my hands on the fridge.
The second the door snapped shut I Dived into the bread. I’d toast two pieces. That’d satisfy me. So with a stack of butter and vegemite I ate the toast with the appetite of a starving child.
Which was kinda what I’d been anyway.
Halfway through I decided I wanted more. I’d do three just in case I wanted more than two. While they toasted I sat against the bench picking the brazil nuts put of the jar, eating them one by one, nonstop until my toast was ready 5 minutes later. Then I carefully put the Spread on and ate them all promptly.
Now for something sweet.
There was a carrot cake bar in the fridge. I cut myself a piece and swallowed it. I cut another piece- devoured. It was getting dark. I started eating the next piece, and as soon as the sugary cake dissolved on my tongue and I tasted it, I burst into tears.
What the fuck was I doing?! How had I ended up like this? A fat fuck greedily munching on everything I could get my hands on? I sunk onto the kitchen floor and cried and cried into my hands, hyperventilating and letting out large sobs. And who could I call? I didn’t want anyone to know what I’d done.
I was so ashamed of myself. Useless and weak, greedy and chubby. But I could still be dainty and strong if I could get rid of what I’d just eaten. I dragged my sorry self up down to the bathroom, fell onto my knees and shoved my fingers down my throat over and over until I was choking on air and my eyes almost popped out of my head.
After I’d got about two pieces of toasts worth out of my stomach, I gave up. It hurt so much. I wasn’t strong like the beautiful skinny women, they had the willpower to starve themselves and get rid of every single morsel in their stomach, and I didn’t.
I wasn’t a real bulimic. I wasn’t good enough for that. I was just a fat fuck who couldn’t stop eating.
I packed up the food, sprayed the air so it didn’t smell like toast, and went and sat back on my laptop so when mum and dad got home, they didn’t suspect a thing.
A daily routine. Rinse and repeat.
downhill.
i wish i was good at asking questions.
i’m pretty good at answering them, because i love answering questions, but i’m no good at coming up with them. checking my following stream on formspring today made me realise this is something im truly jealous of. the ability to ask a question. i’m the most curious person i know, and i love to hear people talk… i just get stuck for ideas.
that’s just a thought i guess.
anyway.
my happy streak last week was a bit too good to be true. i’d been happy for about a week after i got back from my cruise.
it might’ve ended wednesday at the pub when, baked as fuck, i ate too many chips/bread/nutella/snickers/more chips and chucked my guts up. looking up at the mirror after a moment like that is when you realise you’ve hit rock bottom. your hands are covered in spit, your eyes are bloodshot, your face is sweaty and you look like you’ve been hit by a train… but on the upside, it’s an express line to an empty stomach.
and that’s where i go downhill.
being a fatty’s not all thats bothering me lately…
i have this thing, where, if i care about someone and they care about me, i wont sleep with them. or i will, and it’ll make me feel gross afterwards. i don’t exactly know why. it might be because i want them to think good of me… rather than… think i’m gross or something. because lets face it sex isn’t exactly the prettiest thing in the world. i dunno. i’ve come to hate it. and i kinda hate that a lot.
i was gonna write more, but i think i’m done for today.
my thoughts are scrambled and im pretty sure this whole blog is completely unstructured and doesnt flow well at all.
i’ll just leave you with my favourite picture.
she’s my background on my iphone. i think she’s the mintest <3
lifechanging.
I’ve had a few things to ponder lately.
One thing that’s been weighing on my mind is uni… I’m deffering next semester and maybe the semester after… but that’s not the problem. I’m not sure if i really want to do psychology anymore.
I’ve started to lose faith in the profession. I don’t really see what they do. They don’t fix anything really… they’re just there for people to talk to and bounce ideas off… Psychologists don’t have answers, they only help find out what is wrong with you, and then you go and get medication. What’s the point..? Idk… Just seems like a big false thing.. I could be a psychologist already without the 6 years study.
Another thing is change. I got a formspring comment today about having not changed…
But the thing is I was never told what I should change, I’ve changed a lot, but maybe not in the way people want me to. I think I’m fine now the way I am. I’m making sensible decisions and stuff, I havent had meaningless (or any) sex in a month and I don’t plan to until I find someone decent. That’s what I wanted to change.
What did YOU want me to change?
My ex wanted to change my very soul. My depression, my spontanuity, my personality…
I drink occasionally. Not gonna change.
I smoke occasionally. Not gonna change.
I try new things. Not gonna change.
Another thing is love.
I know I’ve said it, but I would love a boyfriend… or even a girlfriend… I think I’m just used to the idea of getting a boyfriend because I’ve never been with a girl before. Either way, I want someone to give my love to.
I wana get back into music. Maybe learn guitar a bit more. I wrote a song the other day, for the first time in years. Idk if it was good, I don’t care. I enjoyed it. And I dont enjoy too many things.
I’m determined to lose weight. I’m sick of being a fat fuck. Gaining weight by the minute. I seriously eat more than anybody does in a whole day…bingeing again… I sat in the shower today, sick of my throat hurting and sick of the foul taste of stomach acid. So enough’s enough, I’m gonna start going to the gym, walking places and eating less/healthy again.
I miss being the tiny, cute one. My friend used to call me “dainty”. I’m hardly dainty anymore. I will get it back.
That is all for tonight.
Bye.
